Direction

So the word that keeps popping into my head today is direction… I am finding the grieving process hits me expectantly. The panic period is no longer constant but when it hits the panic seems like the end of the world. Being in the hospital for those couple of days has set me into a deep panic. I was forced to relive the pain and anguish of my Mama being in the hospital for those thirty-one days.

When I am in that panic state it is hard for me to look past the loss. Logic is thrown right out the window!  I realized tonight possibly why that is… because I have no direction. It feels like I am dangling in outer space, ready to crash and burn on my final descent to earth.

I am feeling massive levels of sadness, sorrow and loss. So much that I have tried hard to grab any quick fix I can find. Sex, food, you name it… Thankfully I have been able to control my need to self medicate. Though I do slip here and there with my Pepsi and sweets.

I feel like I am wondering aimlessly into the unknown and I feel very lost.

My sister said something to me today that is very true… She said that Mama would want us to be happy, that she wouldn’t want us to fall apart. I know this to be true without a doubt but I am still struggling with letting it happen.

How do I move on with this hole in my chest?

My Mama gave me such a gift and I am so unsure how to use it to better the world??? I want to be able to use my experiences to help others, as well as make me happy but I don’t quite know what avenue to take. It feels like I am in limbo.

The key is happiness and I am not quite sure what that looks like. I feel that something is keeping me held down. Am I the only thing left standing in my way of me being happy?

I have ideas of what I would like to do career wise but nothing real concrete. It would be nice to be able to put my experience to work to help make a difference. Combine my experience, heart, spirituality and creativity into a medium that can help others. I am just not sure what? At some point I would like to write a book. I have also thought about motivational speaking. I am just not sure of the logistics of it all.

I guess I am very inpatient. I want everything to happen suddenly.

I really need to remind myself to take it one day at a time… I honestly need to take it a step further and say moment by moment. It is the in between period that can be the most difficult.

I wish she was still here. I would do anything to have her here. It feels very bitter sweet to think about being happy without her physical presence here.

When you lose someone you love, everything changes. It feels like having to relearn everything all over. I am having to rewire my brain to cope without her here. I have to catch myself falling into this trap that she is no longer here. I must remind myself that only her physical vessel is gone. Her spirit still remains. Even in this post I started to write out my thoughts in my old way of thinking and I had to change it to fit the reality that she is still with me.

The only thing we can expect is the unexpected. The way we plan and work things out, are not always the way they happen. Life sometimes has other plans in work.

I just have to let life be and allow things to happen.

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