Anyone that is overweight can probably attest to the fact that they despise having to stand on a scale. While in the hospital I was faced with this such challenge. It was also the first time that I was weighed in a long time.
I am not sure what it is about that number that bothers me, it certainly isn’t the highest weight I have ever been. It kind of felt like a mark on my forehead that wouldn’t go away. In my head it was like all the staff saw me as 416… I no longer was Derek to them. I was this huge number.
Often times in my life I haven’t always noticed my discontent towards my size. The way I felt about myself was very subliminal. This was the first time I felt like I was wearing that number like they were two huge weights hanging off of me…
It was also a reminder of how far off balance I had let my health get. My weight has consistently stayed in the 400’s for years. Though as long as I can stay away from regular soda I usually can keep my weight around 400 pounds. With grieving over the loss of my Mama it shouldn’t have surprised me that I weighed 416 pounds but it did.
To add insult to injury it was pointed out to me by an x-ray technician that I was too large for that particular MRI machine. It is one thing to not be able to fit into a pair of jeans but a whole different low blow when you are too big for a piece of medical equipment.
I think what scares me about 416 is that a lot closer to 500… It is easy to look at someone my size or bigger and wonder how they could get that big. You don’t realize how easy it is until you are in that situation. One minute you are 400 pounds and the next you are over 500 pounds easily.
Being a comfort eater has been quite my downfall. I wish I could go back to the first time I tried to eat my feelings away. I certainly have tried to eat my feelings of sadness away after my Mom died. If it was my first choice I would drink Pepsi all the time. I also know that if I do I will easily gain fifty pounds. Even though I may not be doing everything I should, I am trying. I still do slip but I usually get back on course. I just know at some point I am going to have to take it a step further.
My life depends on it.
Seeing what my Mom went through with her health really has woken me up with my current situation. I know that if I don’t change my patterns that eventually my weight will kill me. So far I have been very blessed but my blessings won’t last forever especially with diabetes and heart disease in the family.
Plus it is not like my weight is serving a purpose. I am pretty miserable at the size I am. I am not able to enjoy life the way I want to. I can remember being the Uncle that use to be the jungle gym to his niece and nephew. Now I just feel like this old, worn out bump on a log.
That is one of the big issues with those who are my size. Moving around becomes a struggle. Carrying around all this extra weight has done a number on my knees. All these complications make it that much harder when it comes to trying to change your patterns.
Looking at the big picture is often very overwhelming for me. I see everything I need to change from my diet to my exercise habits. I have to remember to again take it step by step. I get so stuck in this all or nothing thinking. We must remember that when we take a step, it doesn’t have to be a grand gesture. Even a baby step counts. If you take a bunch of baby steps it equals to just as much distance as if you took a big step. Realistically if you are like me, you will probably go even further because you won’t be stuck on the sidelines overwhelmed staring at the big picture.
The big piece of the pie will be the emotional piece of why I am the size I am. I know that if I don’t work on that piece, it won’t matter. That is why it’s important that I continue to talk these feelings out on here and during therapy.
One of the last things I remember my Mama asking me before she died was for me to try to lose weight. She told me how worried she was. I won’t ever forget that conversation. I have to do it for her and me too!
Certainly the holidays aren’t probably the best time to loss weight but it will be my goal the first of next year. While I am not able to tackle this goal head on now there are some things I can do to help, such as limiting my Pepsi intake. Balance is the key and something I have always struggled with.
I also need to remember that I am not my number 416… Meaning that is not who I am, my weight or bad feelings. I can lose the weight and they aren’t a reflection of my beauty.