The Afterlife

In therapy today my Therapist asked me why I thought I was still holding onto this fear of there not being an afterlife. What purpose does it have and why do I hold onto it?

Initially I wasn’t quite sure and I honestly had never thought about it. Well I guess maybe I have indirectly.

As I was driving home from my session I wondered if it was connected to being gay? Is there apart of me that still believes I am going to hell? I guess a future of nothing is better than a future full of flames?

But when it comes to losing your Mother, it only just makes the grieving process that more painful because in both alternatives I will never get to see my mom.

A part of me still believes God is punishing me. I thought that about the sexual abuse. Why would God take my Mom from me after all we have endured? If I was so good, bad things wouldn’t happen to me and because they do it must mean I am not worthy…

My adult brain knows the truth but my child heart is still trapped in fear.

I have desperately wanted to be able to feel my Mom’s presence, as confirmation that she is still with me but often times I push away that idea. I have a dear friend who has been getting these messages but I haven’t been able to connect to them yet. I guess for me to admit they are from my Mom, is to accept that my Mom has died and I am just not ready to say that out loud!

There is also a apart of me that worries if there is an afterlife she won’t be my mother or won’t know who I am.

I have a lot to process and think about, and often times it all is all too much.

I feel like something is keeping me from my spirituality, and I am not sure what? It is very much like this recurrent dream I use to have as a child, where there was this powerful force keeping me from my Mom. I never could see what it was, just that it was there.

Is it that I feel I am unworthy of eternal happiness and love? Why would I believe in that? How could I believe in that? I know I am a good person. Why would God not love me and keep me from my family? Just because my Father and others said it so???

My therapist taught me a great coping skill. Whenever I have a thought come into my head like that or anything negative or hurtful, to say to myself “That may not be true.” It really helps.

I have to remember to use that. I think I need to have a bullhorn that says that.

Just repeat it over and over…

Until it sinks in…

My therapist also reminded me that I have the power and authority to rewrite my story. That I can be anyone I want to be. I don’t have to live the life that others saw me as…

I’ve believed it when they told me I was unworthy, ugly and weak. So I became that person who I am not. I lived their realities of who I am. I let others fill my blank canvas full of their darkness, fear and pain…

I believed their lies and they became my reality.

Well no longer will I accept that. I am tired of these horrible feelings.

So I will do whatever it takes to heal from this and move on.

Leaving my the shadow of who I once was behind…

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