Lonliness

So lately I have been feeling very lonely. It has been difficult to adjust living a life where I don’t spend time with my Mom. I know that she is still with me but it isn’t the same as having her here.

Earlier today I had a flash back to the day she died. It isn’t a day that wish to think about but there it was in front of me. Instantly I felt this earthquake sense of panic come over me. The walls started to cave in on me and it felt like someone started sucking out all the air out of the room. Flashbacks are horrible because it feels like you are back to that day that caused you so much trauma and pain. It was a day I felt so alone. A day where I lost my Mom.

Loneliness is probably one of the worst feelings to have. It kind of goes hand in hand with sadness. With the grieving and the depression I find myself lately isolating, not wanting to leave the house. This doesn’t help with the loneliness either.

I am so thankful to be in therapy right now and to have someone wise to work through these feelings with.

I should just go out by myself like to a movie or something but something stops me. In the past, I haven’t let not having someone to go with me from doing something fun. I am in this place where part of me wants to be alone but then the other part of me wants to have someone with me.

I think deep down inside I want a partner more than I let on. Also living in a very small town makes it difficult to have a social life. I miss having a group of friends to hang out with.

I started to look online to see if I could find someone to hang out with… and well that so far has been unsuccessful… I am finding it is making me feel worse because I can’t find anyone. I should just go to the midnight showing of Twilight by myself… but we will see…

This grieving process is very difficult. I really dislike the panic stage. The feeling stage isn’t that wonderful either. The sadness and loss is so raw, painful and deep. It feels like it will last forever.

I still can’t quite comprehend that she died. Maybe that is why I flashback to that day to try to get a grip of what happened? Maybe this is all a dream or maybe this is how I am staying somewhat sane.

I am using a lot of “I” statements aren’t I… lol

The key to feeling lonely or sad, is not to try to extinguish my feelings with food or sex… My natural response to feeling horrible is to pig out on a bunch of junk food. In the past I have used sex, thankfully for the most part I have stopped doing that. I still catch myself of falling into old patterns. It will start with getting online to look for a platonic connection, and when I struggle with that I start to feel bad… So naturally I start to look for sex, and that never ends up with me feeling good. Being a guy and having hormones, plus being a sexual abuse survivor really makes it difficult.

I have to learn to tolerate these feelings, which is the toughest part.

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