Still In Shock

I guess it is how I am coping with the loss of my beautiful Mother but I still finding it hard to believe she really passed away. I was going to say “died” but that seems so final. I keep racking my brain over the events of the last few months and nothing adds up. I just am at a loss, literally and figuratively.

I am going through the motions but am not feeling much of anything lately. I cried for about a week and now that has stopped. This is going to make me sound crazy but I have been having these feelings that she will come home. My mind knows that she has passed away but my heart is still believing in something else…

I think the toughest part is that this outcome wasn’t even in my mind before and after the surgery. Even when I was faced with some tough news, I believed full heatedly that she would be okay. Honestly I still do.

I keep telling myself, She is really gone… and it is just all too unbelievable.

Never in my wildest nightmares would I think she pass away so young. Of course it was my biggest fear but I thought she would live a lot longer than she did. I thought to myself this wouldn’t happen to our family, we are all good people but it did…

Today we started to pack up her belongings in her apartment. I was really worried about going back into her place. The last time I did was right after she passed and I was a mess. Today I felt so disconnected, that I think I was in the clouds.

It reminded me how attached I am to material items. I found it very difficult to throw away any of her things, even if they weren’t any good any more. I had to have a family friend do it for me. I had to keep all her shirts, I just couldn’t stomach giving them away. I guess in some ways they are all connected to the memory of my Mama.

Death reminds me that who we are is not connected to our bodies. Our bodies are merely vessels. It is so easy to get caught up on the physicality of everything in this world. I could see how I could become a hoarder. I found some personal belongings of my own at my Mom’s place including a huge pile of VHS tapes. I was about to keep most of them, even though I no longer have a VHS player and probably will never watch them based on the memory of them… I went as far as putting them all in my bag. Then something inside said I had to let go and only kept a handful. I guess that is a start.

My Mom’s apartment was very important to her, as it was connected to her independence. She finally had it after fifty some years and she wasn’t willing to let it go. If she would have survived, she probably would have never been able to live alone again and I know that would have devastated her. So having to go through and pack up all her belongings was painfully difficult realizing what it all represented. Though I guess she got the ultimate independence when she passed away. She no longer had a failing body to hold her down. Now she is free to fly where ever she wants. That makes me feel at peace…

That is another thing. Even thought it feels like I am falling apart, another part feels at peace. The whole shock peace makes me nervous because I am concerned how it will feel when reality really sinks in. Previously when I had thoughts of my Mama passing, I didn’t think I could survive it.

Now I know I can… It just isn’t going to be the same. People keep telling me it doesn’t get better, it just gets different. How could it get better in this lifetime when a crucial part of your world is snatched up suddenly? Well I guess the pain isn’t has tough, at least I hope it isn’t.

I know what people will say and I believe it as well, that my Mama is all around… and deep down inside I believe that. I just have some gunk in my filters causing me to not be able to feel her. The same with my spirituality. I keep telling myself that God will see us through this. I am not quite sure how but I am holding onto that.

I also know she is in a much better place. A place of pure joy, love and happiness. As tough and painful as this sorrow is I would never take that away from her. Especially after the tough life she lived. I think that is really holding me together, is knowing that she is okay. Otherwise I would have had to been admitted to the funny farm weeks ago. That might still be an option down the road. 😉

I guess I am grieving the physical loss of my Mother and all the attachments that came with her. She was my world, so of course her death would send me out of orbit. Years ago I was even more attached and I am so thankful that I worked on gaining my own independence or I would have went plummeting right into the sun. The person I was a few years ago, I don’t think could have handled her loss.

I also realize that I was blessed to have this amazing woman as my Mother for 36 years. So many aren’t that fortunate. My mind knows all of these things and I have to keep reminding myself this… but my heart is filled full of sorrow…

God plucked the most beautiful flower in my garden and I want her back. I know it is selfish but it is how I feel.

I think part of the issue is that I still hold onto some untrue things about myself and my spirituality, which I have done a lot of work on overcoming but I still struggle. I still have these fears of never seeing my Mom again. It is kind of like being lost as small child, it is very scary. You desperately try to find her but can’t…

Things like, how am I going to get through this? keeps running through my mind. I am so thankful of my nieces and nephew, as they are breaths of fresh air. As much as I feel like falling apart, I know I must keep it together for them. They need me… That is how I can honor my Mom.

Honestly it feels like I am still at the hospital at my Mom’s bedside. My body has left that place but apart of me is still there. I have many/most of the same feelings I had there. Though now I have sadness, anger, numbness, etc to add to those.

I keep trying to bargain with the situation, like I can still change the result. Like is there something different that we could have done. I replay all the events over and over, and nothing adds up to the outcome.

Bottom line, I have to accept the fact this was apart of God’s plan and that for me is one of the scariest parts of life… The not knowing when it all will end on this earth. Prior to finding out the autopsy I held onto this idea that she was taken too soon, that something happened to cause her demise… After her autopsy I realize that wasn’t the case… She had multiple blockages in her arteries. The main artery from her heart to her brain was blocked by 70%…

How could I bargain with all of that? It was apparent that it was her time to go. It both comforted and alarmed me at the same time. If her surgery didn’t kill, her blockages would have most likely have… or at the very least left her with a very poor quality of life. I realized this when I was shopping at Meijer and was in the adult diaper section… I didn’t want that life for my Mama, nor did she. As tough as the way she passed was, she really didn’t suffer, nor was she in pain that often. I can’t say the alternative would have happened if she would have survived the operation.

I find myself begging and desiring for more time… I wish I had one more Christmas, one more birthday… but then I would only want one more after that, and so on…

I just have to keep moving forward, even if it is slowly and one step at a time… I also realize that I have to keep turning towards positive and supportive avenues, reaching out and not hiding away. I have found myself feeling more depressed as the week has went on. I force myself out of bed and it isn’t easy. I am also in the process of getting back into therapy. The one thing I have learned the past few years, is that I can’t do this alone nor do I have to. This journey has reminded me how many wonderful, loving and supportive people I have in my life. I just have turn to them…

I also realize that as I start to open up to my spirituality it will start to blossom like a garden. Mama saw the best in me and always wanted me to be happy. I need to honor her gift by sharing who I am with the world, as it is connected to my purpose. As much as I want to be with her, I know I have things to do on this planet.

One is allowing others, especially those in the gay community, the opportunity to feel God’s love. I think that is the greatest travesty in the lgbt community that others try to close the door on God’s love. I don’t care what religion you are, it is all the same to me. For me, religions are just labels of what is behind it… A true child/follower of God leads their life with love. My Mother embodied that to the fullest. All these years I thought I had lost my spirituality, when it was always deep inside…

It is funny, after my eulogy a family member asked me at my Mom’s grave site if I was saved… and I stumbled with my response… Cause I don’t feel I had to be saved. The only person who needed to save me, was myself. God was already in my heart, I just let man pile their trash around my heart.

Basically what I am saying do whatever works for you… Whether that is Christian, Buddhism, Wiccan, etc. I know how it is like to have beliefs forced down your throat and I don’t ever want to be like that. How I would like to approach my faith to others is like a book in the library… I will leave my book on the table and let people know I am there. There is one thing I have learned about life, if a person isn’t ready it doesn’t matter how hard you try you will never get them to see it your way. When people are ready they will come to you or an idea, etc.

I also grew up in a fire and brimstone church and I know how much damage that does. So this is my attempt to show others that there is another alternative. I had to learn the hard way and I would love to help others see a different way. There are many different roads to take to the same destination.

Everyone deserves God’s love. I don’t believe if it something you find outside of yourself. It is something deep within. Something has always been there.

Any type of healing takes time. There are no switches or buttons to push. No pills to take to make it all go away. Only time and connection to others who love you. Which reminds me of my current situation, it is going to take time.

Mama gave me all the skills, gifts and abilities that I need to venture out into the world and recreate her legacy in others. Her love is deep inside of me and this world could use a lot more of love. Love and strength are two of the greatest gifts my Mama gave me, they flow through me like a river. Now it is my time to make a difference, as she has done in our lives.

For Mama… This is it not only my gift to the world but to her as well…



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