Facing my biggest fear…

Death has always been a big fear of mine and losing my mom an even bigger one. Just thinking about it would me down a road of panic. I couldn’t imagine surviving her death. I actually had a plan if it were to happen. I no longer have that plan, though the thoughts flutter in my head still.

About a year a go I started to have these thoughts pop inside my brain. I really wanted them to disappear but I forced myself to think about it as to prepare myself for the day.

In my wildest dreams I would never have thought this day would come so soon.

Prior to my mom’s passing a voice came to me telling me I would be okay, that I would survive my mama’s passing.

Well now that she’s passed it doesn’t feel like I will.

The pain I feel is deep. The sorrow feels like torture. A loss so great that I can explain it.

I know she’s still there… But I’m struggling to feel her. I got so caught up in her physicalness. Her hair, her smile… The way she laughed. I am attached to her and now I feel lost… Dangling in space.

I feel so alone, and I’m surrounded by family.

Disconnected.

Questioning why now? I would never want her in pain, nor would I want her to suffer. Why couldn’t God heal her body from her lungs to her arteries.

I know so many children go with out and I really shouldn’t be selfish but my heart is breaking.

I am tired of the suffering. Tired of feeling loss. Mama was the one purity in my life.

Is this a test? If so why do I have to be tested?

During the 31 days my mom was in the hospital, what got me through the unthinkable tough times was the faith things would get better.

I am struggling seeing that in my current situation, as it means unknown period time of pain. The only relief it seems is being with my mom again and I don’t have a clue when that will be???

And that just seems unbearable…

The only thing keeping me together is knowing that my mom and God are on my side.

I just need some comfort, and my mom was the one who would give me that.

I’m reminded of the feelings that God would see us through and that’s all I have to hold onto these days…

That and mama wants me to fufill my destiney and to be happy. That all seems so foggy right now…

So I will keep holding on and ride out this storm once more.

Love you Mama…

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