Nothing in life prepares you for losing your mother. It was my worst fear and it came true on September 9th. I am honestly still in shock, though I no longer numb. When I was numb I wished I felt something different but now that I am feeling it I wish I was numb.
It feels like a bad dream, and I never awake but I know that it is real.
Reading my Mother’s was not only important to me but also an honor that I knew that I had to complete. I wasn’t sure if I could keep it together but I knew I had to try. I never thought I could make it through the ceremony, let alone speak at my Mama’s funeral.
The whole day I kept telling myself that I was stronger. I repeated it over and over. I thought about Viola Davis’ character Aibileen in the movie “The Help” and what she said to that sweet baby girl… “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”
I envision my own Mama telling me… You is kind. You is beautiful. You is Strong.
Over and Over… Even during the service when I was about to lose it, I thought about my Mama and keep telling myself I was STRONG. Like a tree, with its roots planted deep within the earth.
When it came time to give my Mama’s eulogy, I was nervous but I felt a sense of calm. It was just something I had to do.
I thought about the last month and how tough that was, and how strong I was for that… Giving the eulogy at my Mother’s funeral didn’t come close to that tough. This was a celebration. My mother was no longer in pain.
I felt more connected to my Mama and God than ever before. During the whole service I was a glow and smiling ear from ear. The service was everything I wanted and then some.
At the grave site service was over My sister and her husband, her two nieces, nephew and I let off six purple balloons. It was so beautiful.
Afterwards I felt completely drained… Still in a fog. I was surrounded by people. I seemed to be going in slow motion, while everything around me was going in fast forward. I felt this way the rest of the day…
I woke up the next day and I was no longer number. I also couldn’t feel the wonderfulness that I felt the day before. I was still in shock but no longer number. Honestly I still am…
I was so devastated that I no longer could feel that strength, my mama or my higher power… and just over the loss… I was grieving and I had a lot of questions… Why??? I felt guilty for feeling these things.
The whole day I was surrounded by my grief, the darkness. Intense sorrow, raw pain. I wanted to be with my Mama. I thought to myself, if those who heard my eulogy would see me now they would think of me as a fraud.
At some point and I am not quite sure when, I started to think of my time at the hospital with my Mama. I thought about the despair I felt. I also remembered feeling lost. It was then that I turned to my faith for strength. God saw me through those painful 31 days and he/she would see me through this.
I just have to hold on and count on the people around me who love me. I am not going to lie, this sucks!!! I am going to miss her physical form. I am going to miss her laugh. I am going to miss not being able to call her when I need her.
As painfully torturous as this is, I would go through this for the rest of my life if that meant my mother would no longer be in pain… and I believe that is what would have happened. Her body no longer matched her spirit, heart and soul. She would not have had the same quality of life, nor would she be able to do the things that made her happy and gave her joy.
I still have questions, lots of them!!! and I believe that is okay.
I also have to remind myself that I am going to have bad days. The important thing is to pull the light closer, not push it away. During this tough time I need the light more than ever.
Numerous people have told me it doesn’t get easier, it just gets different. A world without my Mama is a lot less bright but I have a duty to this world, and more importantly to my Mama and her grand-babies. I need to continue to show them the love she gave me, and them. That is how I will be able to honor and remember the most beautiful and loving woman that is my Mother.