So just when you think that the ride has turned into a kiddie ride, you get thrown for a loop and there you go back flying fast.
It really is unsettling. There is no constants. What is worse when your car starts to go on an incline. Of course the ride is always constantly in the dark, so you can’t see what is going to happen next. You can hear the click clack of the track and you get excited from the thrill of being on top. Each time it takes you higher and you don’t think about the drop that is ahead…
That is what happened the last few days and has been a reoccuring process the past month since my Mom was hospitalized…
Last night I saw oxygen stats that I had never seen before, in the high 90s. Everyone was thrilled. I must admit I was jumping for joy on the inside. The hospital staff was as well excited and decided to take her oxygen support to 80%…
This was great news in a sea of uncertaintly but I must admit I was a bit nervous. My Mom had also leveled out in regards to her condition and I got comfortable with that. This news certainly added to that.
This morning I wake up and my Mom’s blood pressure was the lowest it had ever been. They also were not able to get it higher with medicine. If that didn’t get me in panic mode, what happened next did…
In a matter of minutes, the room was full of Fellows, Residents, Nurses and Respitory Staff. There were people coming in to do xrays, another to do an ekg and they were performing a eco on her heart as well.
Up until this point, the ride was at the point where you feel that brief moment of loss of gravity as your car is about to plummet down that steep hill and 100mph. Where you know what is about to happen, as you dangle off the track like your holding with all might to edge of the cliff.
After doing the xray in the room, they right away saw that my Mom’s top left lung (the good lung) had collapsed.
Then the car plummets straight down down to the point where you lose your breath but unlike a true coaster this time lasts longer than seconds. You just keep dropping like your falling from the sky. You just know you are going to splat onto the ground…
Within moments I had to leave the room as they needed to cut my Mom open right there in the room to insert a chest tube inside her left lung cavity. It felt like I was on a television show, and I was watching it unfold right in front of my eyes.
I felt helpless and again I was waiting in the unknown. I was in limbo. I had no idea what was involved in the procedure or how serious it was. I knew that a collapsed lung in my Mom’s condition was very serious, that alone scared me senseless.
The next thrity minutes felt like an eternity. I was ready to check out. Again I was in a moment of shock. How did this happen? It was so quick.
At the moment where I didn’t think I could take anymore, I just closed my eyes and prayed. I repeated the same words over and over… Please God make my momma okay… Please God make my momma okay… I think I said it a hundred times.
Then a calm came over me, and I knew it would be okay.
Another 15 minutes or so passed and one of the resident doctors came out to talk to me. She explained that they were able to get the chest tube in and that her blood pressure was back to normal, and she was stable.
I was relieved. So relieved.
I go back into the room and I had a hundred questions, which I don’t think the nurse was ready for.
It appears that the reason for the collapse of my Mom’s good lung is related to the ARDS and the fact that she is on full support from the respirator. Since the chest tube was put into place, her lung has already started to reinflate but it will take time.
Sadly due to the colapsed lung her oxygen has dropped to the low 80s. Which is scary. It felt like another blow. That is where the ride picks back up and you go through some other hills and turns.
It was just too much to take and I needed some relief. So I laid down and slept for three hours.
This complication today got me thinking about the Devil. I was raised Southern Baptist. My father put the fear of not only Satan but God as well… They became on in the same in a way. I can’t begin to say what I believe in when it comes to the Devil. I went through a period where I didn’t believe a devil existed and I think that was my way of protecting myself from something so scary and evil.
My father enstilled this unhealthy fear of God, Jesus and the Devil, that it became a phobia. I have since learned to overcome this in regards to God and Jesus, though I still struggle with it.
I have started to equate the devil with negative thoughts or behaviors. I have certainly had negative thoughts come at me, or what I thought were my own thoughts.
I am not saying I believe in the devil but I put a face to the negativity. It has helped me fight away the negativity.
I don’t care what the Devil presents to me, I won’t believe it. I won’t let anything get to my core and my beliefs.
That is stronger than the Devil or anything else in this world.
Light will always conquer the darkness. My Mom, Sister and I are filled full of that bright light. So when I am faced with something scary, I am going to shine my light on it. The shadows don’t stand a chance…
This whole experience has me thinking… What my sister and I have gone through this month, shows how strong we are. Granted we are stressed but we are still standing. We are a lot stronger than any of us expected.
We are who we are today because of our Mom, we are a direct extention of her and her love.
So if we are able to get through this, she will get through this.
She is the strongest person I know. She also has the light of God in her heart. That is pure and stronger than anything else in this world and beyond.
This is just another hurdle for her to clear, and she will with flying colors.
We just have to continue to hold on…
It will get better and all three of us will be stronger for it.
Individually we are stronger than most people in this world but when we are together, nothing is able to break apart that bond.