So I have had a rather rough week… Actually a rather rough month but this past week has tested everything in me.
I have been a wall for so long… I had fought some strong negative forces prior to last Saturday but I wouldn’t let anything get through my wall.
I am not sure what happened but Saturday I woke up and I felt incredibly depressed. The faith I found (reconnected with deep inside) could not be felt. I had certainly felt very disconnected since my Mom has been in the hospital but this was the first time since I had connected to my faith, that I couldn’t feel it. I was heartbroken and troubled, wondering where did it go to?
I guess things caught up to me and it all hit me at once, the severity of the situation. I hadn’t had a chance to catch up to my feelings about my Mom’s condition. Now I just felt like a cement truck had just ran over me.
I felt so trapped and helpless. I just wanted to sleep and that is what I did for a couple of days. I slept more hours of the day, than hours awake. I was overwhelmed and there seemed to be no relief in sight.
I didn’t want to leave my mothers room and I fought hard when my sister tried to push me to get out.
I felt so negative. So far away anything good. I couldn’t dig through the muck because it was suffocating me.
Though I felt very depressed, I never gave up believing. Deep down inside I still had it. It just got very foggy. Add to that everything I am going through, it easy to lose sight of what is important.
The one thing (among many others) that this experience with my Mom has reminded me, that I am not alone. It also reminded me that I can’t do this alone. I think a big part of spirituality is connecting with others. I have also learned that there are many wonderful caring people out there. Meeting someone who has God in their heart helps mirror what I have inside. It is easy to lose sight of your gifts but it is more difficult to do so when you meet someone like you. Having a person like that in your life, you can’t help but let it open up your mind and heart.
This week also reminded me of what I have been fighting all my life. During various periods of my life where I struggled with my past, it never dawned on me that my spirituality wasn’t still there. I just thought since I couldn’t feel it, that it went away… Not only did it go away but I was unworthy of it. When you feel like you are unworthy of God’s love, how could you be happy?
My Mom’s illness and recovery, has also reminded me of my own experience. As much as wish we could rush the healing process, things have a natural way of working themselves out. Sure you hold the key to your recovery, and sometimes there are others who you need to help you along with the healing. Like the Doctors in my Mom’s case.
There is no switch or easy way out. Even if there was, you would miss out on a lot of life experiences. A wise woman once told me, it is like attaching a cocoon to a stick, and then trying to whip it around to force the butterfly out. By doing so, you not only will miss out on the experience but you will kill the butterfly in the process. I have learned sometimes you just have to be patient, ,which I really struggle with. It is what I call the “holding on” phase. That is currently what we are doing with my Mom, and that is what she’s exactly doing as well!
Having hope is key, without it everything is a lot more difficult and dark. Sometimes you need others to show you the light. During some of my darkest moments in life my nieces and nephew were my lighthouses. Their light offered me not only comfort and protection, but they also guided me out of the darkness.
While I am no longer in such darkness, it still tries to surface. I am thankful now carry my own flashlight that I can defend off any attacks.
Though it doesn’t always seem like it, hope is everywhere. You just have to know where to look.
Hope is in the laughter of a child. It is also in the kindness of a stranger. Hope is in the triumph of getting through a difficult time.
Hope is not giving up, believing in faith even when the odds tell you differently.
Hope is faith.
Love is the hand of god.
All this time I thought God had abandon me, when all this time God was deep within me. I just let the world alter who I was.
As tough it was to go through various events in my life, like the sexual abuse, they prepared me for today. I won’t lie this is extremely difficult. There are times I feel like I am going crazy, mostly stir crazy. I am stressed, overwhelmed and tired. There is one word I can say without any doubt that I am not, and that is weak!
I strongly believe in God, my Mother and Hope…
and there is NOTHING that will take that away from me.
Our journey in this life is a marathon, not a sprint. Sometimes you will need or want to walk, then sometimes you need to take a break. While other times you will need to run. It is not how fast you get to the finish, it is just getting there. Life is about the experiences, they not only enrich our lives but they mold us into who we are today. Being first may win you a medal, but you will have passed all the wonderfulness that the path had to offer.