Once you are on your back looking up in despair is when you see the glory of God. That is where I have been for the past few weeks. Prior to my Mom’s surgery I had struggled with my faith. I would see glimpses of it but it would quickly dissipate. I struggled with seeing God for who he/she really is versus what my Father told me of him. I have worked on coming up with new meanings but it hasn’t been easy. Especially when I get triggered by various things, like the whole Chick-fil-a fiasco. Situations like that and those who believe in that way of thinking just transports me back to a very scary time. One were I was going to HELL for something I couldn’t change.
When my Mom aspirated after her surgery and contracted a very severe bacterial infection I was put in a place where I had no control. Here was someone who I loved dearly and is my world, and I couldn’t do anything to help. All I could do was sit and watch.
I am not sure where it came from but something just clicked. Now that I think about it, it probably occurred even before my Mom’s surgery. I am a worry wort, I come from a family of worry wort’s. When we first became aware of my Mom’s cancer, I certainly had my moments but once we met with the Doctors at Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, Tennessee my fears disappeared.
My mom was obviously worried but I wasn’t. Even during the surgery I did remarkably well, only a little bit of nervousness. It was like something inside of me was telling me that she would be okay.
Well I wasn’t prepared, nor did it even think about my Mom having complications from the surgery or that she could die from it. The day when the Surgeon had to perform a second surgery on my Mom, was probably the scariest days I have ever faced.
The Doctor told me there was a chance that my Mom would not make it. Even faced with that frightening news, I knew that she would be okay.
Two weeks have passed by and for the most part I have not let my negative thoughts and fears consume me. When one appears, I let it go like a helium balloon into the sky.
The hospital has became my home for now. Life has become a roller coaster that doesn’t stop. I am constantly feeling like I am being stuck by a baseball bat but I don’t allow anything to knock me down as my feet are firmly planted into the ground.
It certainly has not been easy, especially today. Each day I must face my fears, straight in the eyes. I push myself and falling part is not a luxury that I can afford. I am scared, senseless. I don’t know if I am coming or going, let alone what day it is. Even when I am not at the hospital, which is rare, it feels like I am still there.
The toughest thing is looking at my mama in her hospital bed. She is sedated and tranquilized, to help her breath better on the ventilator. She has multiple tubes coming out of her body.
I stare at the monitor in fear, waiting for a number to drop. The beeps have been brainwashed into my subconsciousness. I never know when one will set me off into a wild panic.
Hospital staff poke and prod my Mom like shes a plastic doll. Doctors talk over my head. I hear their voices but the words just do not compute.
I feel like I am floating, not like a cloud… more like a zombie.
The cashier’s in the cafeteria know me by my purchases. Pecan pie and snickers ice cream bars have became my name. For being the south, they sure do not know how to make cornbread. They’d be better serving cardboard, as it would be easier to digest.
I miss my Mom. I can’t remember the last time we have went two weeks without talking. Watching TVLAND, just is not the same. I feel like a boy again, except this time Mom is not able to verbally comfort me.
I am in shock, this wasn’t what anyone expected.
In a sea of uncertainty there is one thing that I am firm in, and that is my belief in my Mom. I also think that is where my faith comes in to play. I believe in my Mom, with all my heart. She is the strongest lady and person that I have ever known. She has overcome so much in her life. She is the essence of what I believe God and Jesus to be, pure love.
I will admit, if I would have wrote this yesterday this blog probably have a different tone.
I am having a tough day. I’ve let my fears seep in.
I am using every resource and strength inside of me to not let them take over.
It isn’t easy.
I don’t have any other choice.
I feel very disconnected, from everyone and thing. Even seeing my nieces and nephew didn’t light me up like it usually did. My best friend reminded me that was because all my focus is on my Mom and that is very true.
Today I feel disconnected from my faith. I know it is still there but I just can’t feel it.
I guess I am numb.
Today is the first day I have asked WHY???????
I guess at this point, why doesn’t even matter.
I am determined to do whatever it takes to get mama home to her grand-babies.
I think I have surprised many people, especially my family. They aren’t quite used to me talking about God. I am sure some of them think I have changed my ways, as in believing in their way. The only thing I have changed is my definition of the words.
I still get overwhelmed when I hear people talk biblically, especially when its all fire and brimstone. Hearing words like Hell and Satan, send me wanting to run like the wind. I have to replace words like Satan with negative/negativity.
I have to remind myself that I am having a bad day.
The difference is that I have a lot of hope. In difficult times that is all you can hold onto, and in reality hope is faith. Just like prayers are love.
I certainly have formulated my own beliefs when it comes to the world, God and Jesus. This is not what this blog post is about.
Well I guess a little. 🙂
My belief is you have Jesus in your heart, they you are one with God. And by that I mean, if you center your life around the principles of Jesus then you are doing the work of God. Even during the days where I felt a million miles away from my spirituality, it was always there. I just couldn’t see it.
Seeing others who walk in the light of God, has helped confirm and find not only faith but my strength. When you are surrounded by the presence of those who not only believe but live a life of love, serious and humanity, it is easy to absorb that energy.
I am at the mercy of my higher power. I am on back, helpless.
I know God loves me and my family. I am who I am today because of my loving mother. I am so grateful for the gift gave me, when he/she chose my mother. I know so many children are not as fortunate.
I know that we will get through this. We have to just hold on. We are in a storm of a lifetime. The waves will try to wash us under. Lightening awaits to strike at any moment. The rain keeps pouring and we keep emptying the tear filled buckets. It feels like we will never see the bottom of the boat. We are waiting for the bottom to fall out.
We will weather this storm.
Behind every cloud is blue sky and sunshine. That is our silver lining.
The difference is that our boat is anchored to our strength, love and faith. Even if our boat is shatters to pieces we will stay a float.
There will be days when we will be too tired to swim, so we will just float… lifted up by God’s and others love.
I guess the floating kind of makes sense now.
I can’t do this alone.
Nor am I alone. Though at times it feels that way.
We are all connected. Hand to hand, we connect to our eternal father and mother.
For the first time ever, I know I am not WEAK.
There isn’t anything weak about love. Love is pure. Love is strong.
and that describes my bond with my Mama… Strong, pure and filled full of love.
I know that my Mom is in God’s hand.
For the first time in a very long time I have started to pray. It still feels funny. It helps if I talk out loud, or I feel like I am talking to myself.
I think I have earned some prayer points.
I can’t see a world where my mom would be tested in this way, to only succumb to it.
I need her. So does her grand-babies.
During these impossibly difficult days, I just have to hold onto my faith and know that it will get better.
Tomorrow is a brand new day.