Losing my spirituality…

Now I know it isn’t like a key or book that you misplace but I can’t seem to find my spirituality again. It is rather upsetting because it felt nice for a change to feel it again. I know that it isn’t really lost, more just misplaced but I really could use my spirituality right now. About three weeks ago I noticed a shift in me. I don’t really recall what sparked my spirituality, it just kind of happened.

Part of me really wishes I wouldn’t have watched The United States of Tara because it has sent me into full on trigger mode. Ever since then I have been down, depressed and very disconnected. On a positive note at least I am aware of what is going on but still I dislike feeling this way. I know my spirituality is deep within me, I just have to dig it out.

I think the hardest trigger from The United States of Tara is realizing that I have internalized my abusers and their actions. Ever since watching all the episodes I can picture myself as a boy in the bedroom where I was abused, hiding in the corner. It literally feels like I am still there today!!!

Once I get triggered it is very difficult to come out of that cloud of confusion. I feel so dazed and confused. I really need to get back into therapy. I left an appointment with a therapist that I saw once about a month ago. With everything going on right now, it is important for me to be in therapy. Years ago I was diagnosed with having PTSD from the sexual abuse.

I hate this scared feeling I keep having. It feels like the end of the world. I would totally be Chicken Little!!! The sky totally feels like it is falling, when reality it is not!

It also startles me because when I start to feel good it gives me a false sense of security that my bad days are over. Then I am smacked in the face with a bad day and it sends me flying.

I know there is a reason for me watching the show. There is something I need to learn. It really bothered me that I didn’t get to see if Tara overcomes her problems. I felt great sadness that the series was cancelled. I guess in a way if Tara was able to overcome all of her obstacles and make it to a happy place, I could too… but because I couldn’t see the outcome, I am not able to see my future… and that scares the living day lights out of me!!!

Today something happened that I don’t care to go into. My first thoughts were I was going to hell. I had a lot of shame and regret surface as well. So did the words LOSER. I really had to catch myself because I was going down a dark road. It is like when I get this way, I am a completely different person. Plus it didn’t help that I have been sick the past few days.

I really need to work on my support system. I don’t really feel like I have many people I can turn to, when I need to talk about what is going on. It is not to say that I don’t have people in my life who care about me but I don’t feel comfortable going to them.

Another key is the lack of people outside of my family to spend time with. I have friends all over the place but not to many near me that I hang out with. I honestly can’t remember the last time I spent time with a friend. Friendships are very important to me and I have struggled fostering new friendships in my area. Part of it is the small town I live in and the fact that I don’t have a car of my own. I really miss living in a big city but with everything going on with my Mom, this is where I need to be.

I wish feeling my spirituality was as easy as plugging myself back into a spiritual outlet but I realize it isn’t how it works. I have to work through these feelings and learn to process them. The key is remembering that spirituality isn’t something you lose. It is inside of me. I just have to keep moving forward, which reminds me of one of my favorite quotes.

“Around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” — Walt Disney.

My goal this week is to setup a meditation area. I need to bring into my world some coping mechanisms that will help me connect to my spirituality. I just have to hang on and keep doing whatever unnecessary to heal. I know in my heart that as long as I continue to take the steps, my life will continue to grow and get better.

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