Disconnection…

On this healing journey I have learned the more disconnected I am, the worse I feel. The longer I am disconnected the harder it is for me to reconnect to the world around me. Isolation became a safety net for me. I used isolation as a wall, a layer of protection but I was depriving myself of life and all the wonderful energy that surrounds it.

I still struggle with isolating myself. I have to force myself out of the house. Like for example tonight, I didn’t want to go to class but I knew the consequences if I didn’t go. Missing one class turns into two, and two turns into three, and so on…

I can no longer fall apart, I have people who depend on me like my Mom, Sister, my nieces and nephew. Sometimes it is tough being the strong one. I think the biggest key is realizing I can support people and be there for them but I can’t hold them up. I think that is why in the past it was always so exhausting. I was trying so hard to protect people that I would do all the work for them and in the end I would always get neglected.  I have learned if I don’t care of my needs, I can’t be there for others.

I know that I can no longer hide my light. I will admit I still get overwhelmed by my light. It is tough to learn new behaviors. Facing your fears is a tough battle but an important one on the road of healing.

I still struggle looking for unhealthy connections. It is so easy for me to get caught up in my old behaviors. After a few heart breaks I searched for that kind of a connection in quick fixes. It was a way for me to get a connection without getting hurt in the long run but in the end it hurt me more than the heart breaks. I started to believe that the only way I could get someone to love me was to have sex with them but it never happened. One night stand, turned into a house full of them. All for the pursuit of love, all in the wrong places. It’s like trying to get blood from a turnip. I was so desperate for the approval and love of men, that I even put myself in harms way. The issue is that I wrapped my self worth around sex. I started to believe that there was no way for a guy to love me. I thought something was better than nothing, well I was very wrong.

With isolation comes loneliness, which is one of the major triggers I learned in therapy. HALT… Hungry Anger Lonely Tired… I really have to be careful when I get lonely because it triggers a Pandora’s box of emotions and insecurities, which brings up behaviors that can make me very unhappy. It is so easy to go spiral downward very quickly.

I take things personal. Then I internalize it. Then  the whole toy box of negativity comes out to play. I need to be very careful with my choices when I am starting to feel this way. I have to remind myself is this going to hurt or help me? I really need to do this with my eating habits.

When you have little or no self worth you aren’t going to care about what you put your mind, body and soul through. All you wan’t are the quick fixes to give you that high. Now that I am rebuilding my self worth I am learning to overcome these challenges. I need to consider my mind, body and soul as a temple. Processing the emotion, rather than trying to stuff the feeling deep inside is the only way I can heal. I am learning to replace my unhealthy coping skills with new healthy ones.

Here is a list of some of the things I can do that will help reconnect myself when I am feeling depressed, disconnected or triggered:

1. Meditate.

2. Spend time with my nieces and nephew.

3. Be creative.

4. Blog about my feelings.

5. Positive self talk.

6. Call my best friend.

7. Get out of the house.

8. Watch a funny show or movie.

There are countless things I can do to feel better. What is on your list?

I also have to remind myself that I am going to have bad days and when I do have a bad day it isn’t the end of the world. Tomorrow is always another day, a new chance for the sun to shine. Everyone has bad days. As I start to connect more to my spirituality and I continue to heal, the bad days will not be as severe or as often.

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One thought on “Disconnection…

  1. Reading about your past unhealthy connections really struck a chord in me. I’m sad that you went through all of that. 😦 I remember wanting to be loved so bad that I would do anything for it. I had such low self-esteem. I thought I could separate love and sex, but I just couldn’t. Some men gladly take advantage of other vulnerable men, too. It’s scary. I love myself now and it makes a huge difference. No more self-destructive behaviors/relationships. 😀

    That’s a great feel better list! Creativity is a wonderful cure for depression. I don’t think I could survive without it. I really want to try meditation. I’ve heard great things, but never really tried it myself. Music also always makes me feel better. There is a song for every kind of mood.

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