As my heart is opening up, the love is beginning to flow more freely. I have always worn my heart on my sleeve. After I had given my heart to so many people and always came up bleeding, I started to pull away… I became guarded, mistrustful of the world around me. Any and everyone had the capacity to scar me. I couldn’t take another person not loving me back. So I stopped showing my love. I became a hermit in a sense.
Not only did I stop showing my love, I also gave up on it. Each person who didn’t have the ability to love me with out hurting me I began to take it personal. Which meant I wasn’t loveable.
Ultimately it meant that I was unworthy of Gods love. I still struggle to see God in a new light. I get caught up in the image my father created God to be. Up until a few years ago hearing the words God and Jesus would send me in a panic. Thankfully that is no longer the case.
I believed everyone deserved love but me. I would give it so freely to others but rarely gave it to me. I guess I was looking for approval. I got meaning from other people.
I’ve tried to make everyone happy. I tried to make my dad love me the way I needed and when that didn’t happen I looked for approval. It was a cycle I kept repeating.
I guess I’ve learned that love shouldn’t have conditions. If who I am is not enough it is not a reflection of who I am but everything to do with who they are.
All this time its been there… Deep within me. Gods love. It didn’t go anywhere. Having a heart is a gift from god.
I just need to learn to use my shield to block any attempts of stealing my light and love. That’s a tough one. I’ve been a sponge for so long. Even today I took on someones bad attitude. Being empathic is tough when you don’t filter anything out. I have to remind myself to check other peoples feelings, emotions and attitudes at the door.
I finally realize that I’m worthy of the love inside and I love myself enough to know what is best for me. That love will only grow.