My Spirituality

So I have really been struggling lately with connecting to my spirituality. With everything going on I have been trying to look to something else for guidance and I just come up empty. 

I still hold onto this (false) belief that when I die, that I will go no where… I don’t quite believe I am going to hell anymore. Though I still think about it. 

I feel very disconnected to my spirituality. I have a sense of what it is. I can say it to other people. God to me is love and light… But feeling that is a different story. I guess my spiritual connectors are all clogged up with pain and fears. 

I know that I am not alone. How many in the gay community struggle with this? How many lgbt people have had their spiritualities taken from them by the people that were suppose to care for them? It is not right and it is a real tragedy. If anyone needs spirituality it is us, for all the pain and suffering we have had to endure. 

We are told you can’t be gay and have a relationship with your higher power. That the two worlds do not exist together. Well I am done letting other people use their fears and ignorance to take things away from me that I deserve…

It is really tough to overcome various things that have sept into your pysche. I have my father to thank for that… 

I use to wonder why I went tough times I went through. I questioned why God would let these things happen to me? I no longer do that. I realize that they have made me the person I am today. I guess I just want to tap back into the love I have inside and give it to myself. God isn’t outside of us, it is deep within is us all..

I also realize that my art is tied to my spirituality, and I have struggled getting that back as well. I just wonder what my purpouse is in it all? I have all these gifts and abilities. I guess I am just unsure how to use them all, especially my experiences… Guess it takes time…

Having a pure heart in a world filled full of darkness is tough. There will be others that will try to steal your light and for a time I let them because that was all I knew. I know realize that light is mine and not something that can be taken. 

I guess I still struggle letting my own light shine. Too afraid of the disappointment and hurt, and too afraid of blinding others. Though I realize the alternative is no way of life. I can’t hide any more… 

I just want to let it all go. All the fears, the doubts, all the pain. It just holds me back. I sometimes just wish I could be the person I really am but I guess it is like my old therapist use to say… You can’t attach a cocoon to a stick and whip it around, and expect a butterfly to come out. 

I just wish I had more faith in my spirituality and higher power, as it would give me some comfort… I am further away from being a victim than I have ever been. I am survivor and I am working on becoming the warrior I was born to be. My heart, light and soul is my sword! 


2 thoughts on “My Spirituality

  1. I’m also having a problem with my spirituality as it contradicts to everything I believe in (well, for that matter, our Church believes in). I know I’m a good Christian (though I’m not as holy and religious as other people are) but with what I’m struggling with right now, it’s starting to feel a bit uncomfortable. It’s like I doubt my own God. I dunno.

    Yeah, you’re right. You’re not alone. And I feel a bit happy that there’s also another person having this same struggle. I do hope you’ll get over with this. 🙂 I guess we have a lot of questions and the answers are not yet there (but are there, we just can’t see them).

    I’ve had my counseling in our university and this semester, I’d be having a spiritual journey with the university’s Campus Ministry (I told them if they provided some sort of reparative therapy I could try). I’m still not concluding I’m gay or anything, but I’m 18.. I’m still young to conclude. At least I’m trying to find out. 🙂

    Maybe during my spiritual journey, I could share you my stories sometime. I hope I can help. God bless!

    • For me the problem has been I wasn’t able to filter out other peoples views of God. I took their word and believed everything they said. I certainly didn’t follow them but the alternative I created just wasn’t working for me either. It was either believe in a world that God sent gay people to hell or another that when I died I just became apart of the earth. I have realized there is a third alternative, where I get to see the ones I loved.

      I hope you are able to find the answers you are looking for. Whether you are gay or not, God loves you. You certainly are not alone, neither am I.

      Just because your church believes one way, it doesn’t mean it is the best for everyone or the right way. It is easy to doubt your sexuality. We live in a world where acceptance is hard to come by. With all the negative images from certain people it is easy to want to repress certain feelings. I have never questioned being gay but I certainly repressed my spirituality.

      I am happy that you found my blog and left a comment. Don’t give up and do what is best for you. You deserve happiness and love, just as much as the next person.

      Take Care

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